And Now for Something Completely Different

Body? On
Dick? On
Pubic Hair? On
Rape Lay? Unfortunately On

Really Japan? Really? Who the hell comes up with this shit?

Rape Lay. That's a game. And it definitely shouldn't be one. Out of all the shit to come out of modern day Japan, this is some crazy shit, even for them. It's a game of skill and timing. In order to rape, you must be quick.  You take the role of a disembodied hand that gropes, caresses, and rapes a family of three females, the hot mom, the busty daughter, and the petite schoolgirl. Like I said, this game is some shit.

The Crew of Rape Lay

The controls are hard as hell to figure out, with no guide to speak of. The object of the game, to turn them into your sex slaves through brutal rape, is never explained. I just made that up because what the hell else could be the plot to this insane excuse for entertainment? During the mini "rape" scenes, your main goal is to fill up the victim's horny meter. That's right. A disembodied hand groping and caressing them on a subway and other similar locations is enough to turn them on to the point of letting you rape them. The meter goes up the more you grope a certain area, and as the level goes up, the clothes go off. Keep in mind that this is a crowded subway and people are seeing this scene of molestation take place and not doing a damn thing about it.

See those blue things? That is what passes for people in Japan.

I have seen and played some fucked up things, but this is by far the most disgusting thing I have ever played/seen played. I seriously do not recommend this to anyone that has a shred of decency in them. And if you aren't at all decent, then just stay way for your own self-preservation. I was horrified by this game before ever getting behind the controls and now that I've played it, I can't look at my hands without wanting to shove them in a blender. For the love of everything that is holy do not play this game.

I give it a .2/10 just for the fact that someone took the time to make this terrifyingly disgusting abomination. And remember kids, rape is illegal everywhere but Japan

If you really want it, here is a recording of us playing this game. 

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Garzey's Wing

I don't even know where to begin. Andrew is sitting beside me and I just.... fucking Garzey's Wing. Talk to Andrew.

Hi. This was directed by Yoshyuki Tomino, I expected something much, much better from the man that created Gundam known "Kill'em All" Tomino.  To quote AVGN this is a shit load of fuck. It's just, ugh God damn it. God damn it. Talk to Steven.

My mind is so full of fuck right now that I can't focus on words. I'm just going to give you a picture to show you.

Thank you, Jackie

You know, I honestly can not put this into proper words for you to fully understand the terribleness of this. I still am in denial. I refuse to accept that I really just watched that. I did not. But, as proof that I did, here is a recording. God fucking damn it that was some shit

For your enjoyment, ladies and gentlemen, Garzey's Wing!!

And this is our thoughts on Episode 1. Full commentary to come!

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Dawn of The Dead (1978)

Does that guy have psoriasis?

Ah yes, A classic zombie film from director George A. Romero! What's not to like? Fortunately not much, so I won't have to attended my weekly "bad movie" therapy session.

 TIME TO PUT ON MY HAPPY PANTS!

This movie, unlike the multitude shit horror movies I've sat through the past year, is actually quite good. Though it still has the standard zombie movie trope of "everyone is kind of a dumbass" it has great special effects, from the zombie dismemberment to... more zombie dismemberment. That's mostly it, but those mutilations are damn good! I couldn't leave out the best scene of gore in the movie.

"Hey guys, I feel kinda fu- OHFUCK."

Our group of survivors consists of a pilot (Steve) his girlfriend, A thief, and who I think is a cop, but we'll just call him token black guy. After jacking a helicopter from a military outpost, they land on the roof of a mall (The best place to be in a zombie outbreak AMIRITE?) and proceed to loot the shit out of it. It's not like they actually need most of the shit they take, with the world being fucked and all, I mean who are you going to sell it too, the Resident Evil merchant?

"I'll buy it at a high price!"

But after a close call with the undead, they decide it's a good idea to start building a shelter. So they barricade the entrance to the mall with trucks to keep the zombies out (In the process the thief gets bitten, but he's of no real importance.) and proceed to build a shelter in the upper level of the mall, complete with a false wall leading to stairs, so no zombies (or random jackoffs) can see it. But all good things must come to an end, and that's when the token group of post-apocalyptic bandits come into play. 

Like most post-apoc' jackoffs, they proceed to wreck everything in sight, ruining our heroes barricade and letting the zombies into the mall. One of our heroes, Steve the pilot, is in the lower level of the mall at the time and tries to kill a few of the bandits. Unfortunately for him, he's up against 30 or so coked up jackoffs and a horde of the undead. Needless to say, Steve dies a gruesome (though slightly entertaining) death. He then turns into a zombie, and leads the horde to our heroes hideout. Token Black Guy and Steve's girlfriend try to fend off the undead horde (did i mention the thief died? well he did, it wasn't that important) but to no avail. The girl manages to escape the horde and get to the helicopter while Token holds them off. I'm not going to spoil the last few minutes (SPOILERS: THEY'RE KIND OF AWESOME) and have left the article vague on purpose as to not give away much of the details of the film. The point of all that? I want YOU dear reader to watch the movie. Why? It's a fucking great romp through some zombies, and a definite must watch for any zombie connoisseur.  GO WATCH THIS FILM.

Zod demands it!

This is our thoughts on Dawn of the Dead. Full commentary coming soon!

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Attack Girls Swim Team vs. The Undead

So let me just get this straight, when a zombie virus breaks out in a girls only private school the only solution is rape? because that is exactly what happened in Attack Girls Swim Team. Flute rape, Christmas light rape, incest lesbian rape, straight up lesbian rape, and any other type of rape you can think of. If it has rape in the name, it belongs in this movie. But! I'm getting ahead of myself here, let's back up.

I should have known something was up when it said "Derected By:" at the beginning of the movie. This movie. Holy God this movie was awful. So basically the set up is a virus that causes humans to turn into zombies BUT WAIT! WATER FUCKING CURES THE VIRUS SO THE WHOLE SWIM TEAM IS IMMUNE! WHAT THE SHIT! Anyway it turns the girls into zombies but not the adults.  It just makes them go BATSHIT insane.  So we have Mr. Badass. I don't know his name but he goes apeshit on a classroom and cuts all the students up with RULERS! And we have Ms. Crazypsychobitch.  I don't know how much the anatomical differences between Japanese people and the rest of the world is, but it is obviously massive, because she pulls a dude's intestines out THROUGH HIS SKULL. I don't even know what to say to that. And we have the two main characters and a backstory that just doesn't..... I'm trying to put logic and reasoning into a movie that was made to trump both of them.

                                                                        This says it all       

The main character and her back story have to deal basically with sex and assassins. Literally. He trains her to masturbate at the sound of a flute and then proceeds to rape her while the flute magically plays.  Oh and by the way, she is a water assassin. What the fuck does that even mean?! And then we have ANOTHER assassin who she has sex with.  But is also of the female kind. And the twist at the end. WTF. Mr. Badass and Assassin number 1 fight at one point, and it ends with Mr. Badass apparently pulling a torch out of his ass. No bullshit. A torch comes out of this man's ass. Think about that for a second. This movie.... just had so much bad in it that I could not possibly fit it all in one blog post. But if you don't already want to watch then i leave you with this. A vaginal laser.  Yeah. Yeahhhhhhhh.

Ok, I'm done venting now. Lets go over the highlights here:

Gore: .... That was gore? I thought they were throwing red food coloring everywhere! That is how well the gore played into the movie. Don't get me wrong, there was lots of it, just lots of it that looked like jello.

Nudity: Oh yeah. That was in there. I would say the characters were naked 78% percent of the time. Plenty of Japanese titties, if you are into that sort of thing.

This movie had the gore, the nudity, but lacked on.... everything else. A fucking terrible movie that I must admit is a guilty pleasure of mine now.

Our thoughts on this movie. On this terrible, terrible movie.

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Zombie Self Defense Force

 More like Zombie Self Defense "Farce" AMIRITE?! 

 This film is like watching a hobo snort fire ants. You understand that its terrible, but it's so bizarre that you can't look away or stop it. It managed to make me physically convulse with rage. Pure, unbridled RAGE. 

Above: RAGE.

 This film is a hilarious train wreck. The insane cast of characters (The Japanese Self Defense Force, a slutty AV Idol, some guy that killed his wife and a zombie fetus) terrible effects, and absolutely insane premise secure this movie a slot in the "shit that should be burned" category, and I payed 15 dollars for it. 15 DOLLARS. I bought fucking Bloodsport for 8! I could go into the plot, but there isn't really one, besides a twist at the end, its a mindless romp of zombies and fanservice. Mind you, it's mindless but not without its high points, such as the zombie fetus that can seemingly FUCKING FLY anywhere it pleases. Combine that with aliens, Japanese WWII propaganda, and the cyborg conspiracy theory and you have something that would make Uwe Boll seem like Stephen Speilberg.

"Fuck. I've got nothing on this Japanese shit"

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Resident Evil: Extinction

LIES!
THEIR BUSINESS IS WASTING MY LIFE WITH SHITTY MOVIES!!!!

 Starting with a plot line that completely destroys the canon of the games and ending with a "WHAT THE FUCKIT" end, this movie managed to take an already shitty lore and turn it into an even shittier story about zombies, tentacle rape, and Milla Jovovich. Seriously. Jovovich is the only reason to watch this movie. The world might have ended and zombies might be raping everything, but Milla's character, Alice, somehow looks sexier in every shot she is in. This, and only this, is the reason people spend money on this movie. Also Steve.

Basically we have Alice, ultimate badass and resident psychic that was created by the Umbrella Company for reasons that will never be fucking known, chilling out in the middle of the fucking desert killing zombies named Steve. Steve, the best fucking zombie in the movie, really knew what he as doing. He captured the essence of what it means to be a zombie and does it with grace. After Steve's 3 second long scene he is killed off, leaving an impression of emptiness in the audience from then on.  After that......  nothing of importance happens. At all. Except for Mike Epps being a dumbass and Milla continuing to be sexy.

Pic Related. Mike Epps with a bird. He might as well have been doing this through the whole movie. That is how much he meant to it.

The Fuck?!

Throughout my tireless scourging of the Interwebz, inbetween the countless hours of World of Warcraft I have wasted away, I've come to realize that the Internet is a dark and terrible place, reserved for the vile and satanic minds that inhabit its very depths, proving that nothing is sacred. There are some things that just make you go "THE FUCK!?"

PETA: The number one source of sodomy since 1980

If there was a God...

SHIT GUYS! FIRE! FIRE! PUT IT OUT! OH MY GOD MY NUTS! AHHHHHHHH

Why wasn't Extreme Jenga around when I was a kid? Kids these days... getting all the cool toys