Dawn of The Dead (1978)

Does that guy have psoriasis?

Ah yes, A classic zombie film from director George A. Romero! What's not to like? Fortunately not much, so I won't have to attended my weekly "bad movie" therapy session.

 TIME TO PUT ON MY HAPPY PANTS!

This movie, unlike the multitude shit horror movies I've sat through the past year, is actually quite good. Though it still has the standard zombie movie trope of "everyone is kind of a dumbass" it has great special effects, from the zombie dismemberment to... more zombie dismemberment. That's mostly it, but those mutilations are damn good! I couldn't leave out the best scene of gore in the movie.

"Hey guys, I feel kinda fu- OHFUCK."

Our group of survivors consists of a pilot (Steve) his girlfriend, A thief, and who I think is a cop, but we'll just call him token black guy. After jacking a helicopter from a military outpost, they land on the roof of a mall (The best place to be in a zombie outbreak AMIRITE?) and proceed to loot the shit out of it. It's not like they actually need most of the shit they take, with the world being fucked and all, I mean who are you going to sell it too, the Resident Evil merchant?

"I'll buy it at a high price!"

But after a close call with the undead, they decide it's a good idea to start building a shelter. So they barricade the entrance to the mall with trucks to keep the zombies out (In the process the thief gets bitten, but he's of no real importance.) and proceed to build a shelter in the upper level of the mall, complete with a false wall leading to stairs, so no zombies (or random jackoffs) can see it. But all good things must come to an end, and that's when the token group of post-apocalyptic bandits come into play. 

Like most post-apoc' jackoffs, they proceed to wreck everything in sight, ruining our heroes barricade and letting the zombies into the mall. One of our heroes, Steve the pilot, is in the lower level of the mall at the time and tries to kill a few of the bandits. Unfortunately for him, he's up against 30 or so coked up jackoffs and a horde of the undead. Needless to say, Steve dies a gruesome (though slightly entertaining) death. He then turns into a zombie, and leads the horde to our heroes hideout. Token Black Guy and Steve's girlfriend try to fend off the undead horde (did i mention the thief died? well he did, it wasn't that important) but to no avail. The girl manages to escape the horde and get to the helicopter while Token holds them off. I'm not going to spoil the last few minutes (SPOILERS: THEY'RE KIND OF AWESOME) and have left the article vague on purpose as to not give away much of the details of the film. The point of all that? I want YOU dear reader to watch the movie. Why? It's a fucking great romp through some zombies, and a definite must watch for any zombie connoisseur.  GO WATCH THIS FILM.

Zod demands it!

This is our thoughts on Dawn of the Dead. Full commentary coming soon!

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Zombie Self Defense Force

 More like Zombie Self Defense "Farce" AMIRITE?! 

 This film is like watching a hobo snort fire ants. You understand that its terrible, but it's so bizarre that you can't look away or stop it. It managed to make me physically convulse with rage. Pure, unbridled RAGE. 

Above: RAGE.

 This film is a hilarious train wreck. The insane cast of characters (The Japanese Self Defense Force, a slutty AV Idol, some guy that killed his wife and a zombie fetus) terrible effects, and absolutely insane premise secure this movie a slot in the "shit that should be burned" category, and I payed 15 dollars for it. 15 DOLLARS. I bought fucking Bloodsport for 8! I could go into the plot, but there isn't really one, besides a twist at the end, its a mindless romp of zombies and fanservice. Mind you, it's mindless but not without its high points, such as the zombie fetus that can seemingly FUCKING FLY anywhere it pleases. Combine that with aliens, Japanese WWII propaganda, and the cyborg conspiracy theory and you have something that would make Uwe Boll seem like Stephen Speilberg.

"Fuck. I've got nothing on this Japanese shit"

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Resident Evil: Extinction

LIES!
THEIR BUSINESS IS WASTING MY LIFE WITH SHITTY MOVIES!!!!

 Starting with a plot line that completely destroys the canon of the games and ending with a "WHAT THE FUCKIT" end, this movie managed to take an already shitty lore and turn it into an even shittier story about zombies, tentacle rape, and Milla Jovovich. Seriously. Jovovich is the only reason to watch this movie. The world might have ended and zombies might be raping everything, but Milla's character, Alice, somehow looks sexier in every shot she is in. This, and only this, is the reason people spend money on this movie. Also Steve.

Basically we have Alice, ultimate badass and resident psychic that was created by the Umbrella Company for reasons that will never be fucking known, chilling out in the middle of the fucking desert killing zombies named Steve. Steve, the best fucking zombie in the movie, really knew what he as doing. He captured the essence of what it means to be a zombie and does it with grace. After Steve's 3 second long scene he is killed off, leaving an impression of emptiness in the audience from then on.  After that......  nothing of importance happens. At all. Except for Mike Epps being a dumbass and Milla continuing to be sexy.

Pic Related. Mike Epps with a bird. He might as well have been doing this through the whole movie. That is how much he meant to it.