Attack Girls Swim Team vs. The Undead

So let me just get this straight, when a zombie virus breaks out in a girls only private school the only solution is rape? because that is exactly what happened in Attack Girls Swim Team. Flute rape, Christmas light rape, incest lesbian rape, straight up lesbian rape, and any other type of rape you can think of. If it has rape in the name, it belongs in this movie. But! I'm getting ahead of myself here, let's back up.

I should have known something was up when it said "Derected By:" at the beginning of the movie. This movie. Holy God this movie was awful. So basically the set up is a virus that causes humans to turn into zombies BUT WAIT! WATER FUCKING CURES THE VIRUS SO THE WHOLE SWIM TEAM IS IMMUNE! WHAT THE SHIT! Anyway it turns the girls into zombies but not the adults.  It just makes them go BATSHIT insane.  So we have Mr. Badass. I don't know his name but he goes apeshit on a classroom and cuts all the students up with RULERS! And we have Ms. Crazypsychobitch.  I don't know how much the anatomical differences between Japanese people and the rest of the world is, but it is obviously massive, because she pulls a dude's intestines out THROUGH HIS SKULL. I don't even know what to say to that. And we have the two main characters and a backstory that just doesn't..... I'm trying to put logic and reasoning into a movie that was made to trump both of them.

                                                                        This says it all       

The main character and her back story have to deal basically with sex and assassins. Literally. He trains her to masturbate at the sound of a flute and then proceeds to rape her while the flute magically plays.  Oh and by the way, she is a water assassin. What the fuck does that even mean?! And then we have ANOTHER assassin who she has sex with.  But is also of the female kind. And the twist at the end. WTF. Mr. Badass and Assassin number 1 fight at one point, and it ends with Mr. Badass apparently pulling a torch out of his ass. No bullshit. A torch comes out of this man's ass. Think about that for a second. This movie.... just had so much bad in it that I could not possibly fit it all in one blog post. But if you don't already want to watch then i leave you with this. A vaginal laser.  Yeah. Yeahhhhhhhh.

Ok, I'm done venting now. Lets go over the highlights here:

Gore: .... That was gore? I thought they were throwing red food coloring everywhere! That is how well the gore played into the movie. Don't get me wrong, there was lots of it, just lots of it that looked like jello.

Nudity: Oh yeah. That was in there. I would say the characters were naked 78% percent of the time. Plenty of Japanese titties, if you are into that sort of thing.

This movie had the gore, the nudity, but lacked on.... everything else. A fucking terrible movie that I must admit is a guilty pleasure of mine now.

Our thoughts on this movie. On this terrible, terrible movie.

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Zombie Self Defense Force

 More like Zombie Self Defense "Farce" AMIRITE?! 

 This film is like watching a hobo snort fire ants. You understand that its terrible, but it's so bizarre that you can't look away or stop it. It managed to make me physically convulse with rage. Pure, unbridled RAGE. 

Above: RAGE.

 This film is a hilarious train wreck. The insane cast of characters (The Japanese Self Defense Force, a slutty AV Idol, some guy that killed his wife and a zombie fetus) terrible effects, and absolutely insane premise secure this movie a slot in the "shit that should be burned" category, and I payed 15 dollars for it. 15 DOLLARS. I bought fucking Bloodsport for 8! I could go into the plot, but there isn't really one, besides a twist at the end, its a mindless romp of zombies and fanservice. Mind you, it's mindless but not without its high points, such as the zombie fetus that can seemingly FUCKING FLY anywhere it pleases. Combine that with aliens, Japanese WWII propaganda, and the cyborg conspiracy theory and you have something that would make Uwe Boll seem like Stephen Speilberg.

"Fuck. I've got nothing on this Japanese shit"

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Resident Evil: Extinction

LIES!
THEIR BUSINESS IS WASTING MY LIFE WITH SHITTY MOVIES!!!!

 Starting with a plot line that completely destroys the canon of the games and ending with a "WHAT THE FUCKIT" end, this movie managed to take an already shitty lore and turn it into an even shittier story about zombies, tentacle rape, and Milla Jovovich. Seriously. Jovovich is the only reason to watch this movie. The world might have ended and zombies might be raping everything, but Milla's character, Alice, somehow looks sexier in every shot she is in. This, and only this, is the reason people spend money on this movie. Also Steve.

Basically we have Alice, ultimate badass and resident psychic that was created by the Umbrella Company for reasons that will never be fucking known, chilling out in the middle of the fucking desert killing zombies named Steve. Steve, the best fucking zombie in the movie, really knew what he as doing. He captured the essence of what it means to be a zombie and does it with grace. After Steve's 3 second long scene he is killed off, leaving an impression of emptiness in the audience from then on.  After that......  nothing of importance happens. At all. Except for Mike Epps being a dumbass and Milla continuing to be sexy.

Pic Related. Mike Epps with a bird. He might as well have been doing this through the whole movie. That is how much he meant to it.