This gem of a movie sort of fell into Andrew's and I lap, through a trip to our buddy's place. He owns a shop that sells, well, weird shit. With a name like Tim's Weird World, you sort of have to sell weird stuff. Excellent place, even got a homemade version of R2-D2 (or was supposed to be him but someone fucked up and used a R5 body with R2's paint scheme. Bastards) But, that's unimportant. What is an important is Starcrash. A 1979 Italian rip-off of Star Wars featuring none other then David Hasselhoff, the man we all know from the Spongebob Squarepants movie. Just from knowing that, it was already on my top ten list and hopefully soon to be on yours.
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| Like I said, Star Wars v. -1.0 |
We start with, yes, the crawl. As the shitty model slowly crawls across the screen, I couldn't help but be reminded of the opening sequence of A New Hope when the slow, well made (and I emphasis this, because, dear God these models were bad), Star Destroyer making its happy way across my screen. For a brief moment I even hoped for a scene for scene rip of Star Wars, and, in some ways wasn't disappointed. As our model full of fucktroopers chugged along, the captain apparently took a hit of acid (and by hit I mean ate all of the LSD made in the 60s) and his hallucinations became a physical entity that proceeded to drive his entire crew insane, fucking his fucktroopers. And then the ship blows up. Now, I'm not exactly sure how a lava-lamp in space managed to destroy a star-ship but damn it it rose the suspense!
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| Microsoft Paint all the way, bitches! |
And with that we have the introduction of our roguish, yet loveable smuggler and her always faithful co-pilot and closest friend. (Hmm.... sound familiar to anyone else) We catch them as they are being pulled over by the space cops. No, really. That's what they called themselves. Gotta tell you, the writers for this were either brain-dead infants or eating peyote the entire time. FYI quick Google Image search for dead infants eating peyote surprisingly turned up no relevant hits. My votes on both. And it makes for an incredible experience which you will not soon forget. The absolutely ridiculous characters featured in this movie overshadow the sub-par acting and shitty audio quality. And the costumes will have you second guessing your sanity, because there is no way in hell they creators of this movie would ever keep some chick dressed in slave girl garb the entire movie, right? Wrong. After the first ten minutes, the smuggler is dressed in full slave get-up and stays that way through the rest of the movie. The rest of the sexy, sweaty, boner inducing 105 minutes. This movie was fantastically incredible, featuring a zany plot that I'm still mildly confused about but, I honestly don't care because the overall movie was just so fucking awesome. If you are a fan of anything we have written about in this blog, you owe it to yourself to watch this movie.
